Things to bring to race, for the non-participant.

Ladies (and gents), when your significant other (hereto referred to as S.O.) identifies as a 'cyclist', you know the sacrifices you must make. These sacrifices are vast and varied, depending on the nature of your S.O., but the racing S.O., a very unique species, presents you with a whole new set of circumstances you must be adequately prepared for.

While much as been written on the nature of cyclist relationships, or one might argue the very lack thereof, there is little literature directed toward the sensitive area of 'Cyclist S.O. race Preparation". This delicate topic, while not often publicly discussed, is privately vented within the sideline community known as the Dames of the Velo Urbane. I do not claim to be an expert. In fact, more than not, I identify as a novice, but in my efforts to help others I've compiled a list of essential objects needed to survive a race (for you, and your S.O.). Feel free to suggest items you've found helpful during your personal experiences as a Dame of the Velo Urbane.

1. Friend
This is an essential component. While it is preferable that said friend also retain membership in the DVU (as it saves you answering countless questions regarding what exactly is going on), any good friend will do. This person must be able to hold conversation, ogle especially good looking members of the Grand Classification, identify pending sunburns, laugh at good crashes, help identify your S.O.'s bike as it comes careening towards you at 30+ MPH, and distract you from especially long waits for impending results. I recommend making friends among the other members of the DVU, or if no suitable candidate is to be found among your S.O.'s team members' S.O.'s, then you must insist he/she find a team with suitable DVU's.

2. Alcohol
While NOT essential (if I were to say it was, one might be able to draw assumptions...), it is a definite bonus. Bring your favorite beverage, some ice, mixers if needed and bring a few extra to share with your fellow spectators. This makes the laughing flow and the waits seem shorter. I tend to recommend 1 serving of alcoholic beverage per loop of track, of course adjustable depending on the event. Just think--your DD is built in!

3. Book / MP3 player / Mindless froofy magazine
Again, not essential, but great for whiling away time. Especially if you've exhausted all obvious conversation topics with your friends. Or they've passed out from the above.

4. Food
Nothing better than a great handful of trail mix while you wait. Or Cheese and crackers with your wine (see #2), or a chip. Natural snacks work, carrots pack well, but you burn far more calories than you realize establishing your post during the race and monitoring you S.O.'s status. It's also important to remember that calories eaten outside your area code do not count towards your overall consumption levels.

5. More food
Unless you want to beat your S.O. over the head for stealing your trail mix (who's ravenous after chasing some hooligan around in circles), bring extra--man cannot live on Clif Product alone.

6. Lawn chairs
Who wants to sit on the ground? Enough said. Also, stake your claim early as not to be disturbed by hangers on of the unsavory variety.

7. Patience
This comes in especially handy when the majority of the race takes place. I'm sure the participants have a different perspective, but acting as a spectator to the cycling event involves quite a bit of waiting. Waiting for them to start, hurrying up to stake your spot on the course, then waiting for them to show up, waiting each round, waiting for the lollygabbing to finish at the end of the race (note: do not try and interrupt this process, it isn't in your, nor your relationship's, best interest). If your S.O. is lucky enough to place (see #8 below), then you will need to wait for the results, with camera by your side for the inevitable photo op that doesn't involve you in any way, shape, or form, except as the button operator. Then it's time to wait as the gear is accumulated, packed, unpacked, searched through, repacked, and bike rack assembled. There is never enough patience as a cycling spectator.

8. Paste on smile / reoccurring encouragement
Fairly self explanatory. This also includes continuous encouragement, pats on the back, reassurance, hugs, etc. You will need the paste on smile as you listen to every millisecond of the race replayed among the Velo Urbane, at least two or three times. It also comes in handy during the waiting period.

9. Extra layers
Contrary to popular belief, cycling doesn't always take place during warm weather months. While your S.O. will strip down to his birthday suit, put on a ridiculously thin outfit and pedal around for hours--he will be actually doing exercise, thus staying warm. However, as you are busy waiting, smiling, eating, and drinking, you may just get cold. Bring a few layers to wear, socks, a jacket, more booze, and long sleeves. This helps, as when you are cold it is difficult to practice #7 and #8.

10. Telescopic eye lenses
This helps as you try to identify your S.O. (or the S.O.'s of your fellow DVU's) as they are 100 meters away (note the use of metric, apparently participation in cycling events eliminates the use of the imperial system of measurement). As your S.O. is likely wearing a costume nearly identical to 2/3s of the general classification, and unless you are able to distinguish the fork of his bike, you will need telescopic eye lenses to identify the exact reason you're sitting in some corn field, drinking booze and wearing some stranger's smelly gloves.

Additionally, it must be noted that you must pack said items in the smallest bag possible, as all items superfluous to the race (see above) are secondary to the unnecessary bike gear (i.e. crap) that must fill the car, sit at your feet, knock you in the head (always choose tires for this if you can arrange it), and otherwise take up more space than it somehow does in the apartment.

Please stay tuned for more lessons from the Dames of the Velo Urbane.